SSDD

This sucks so hard. I didn't go to the gym today after all - maybe tomorrow?
I. just. can't. move.
I saw a commercial just before where Tony Soprano's psychiatrist suggested that I might be depressed, but I really don't think I am. I think I'm just terrified and frozen and boring. How am I ever going to get out of this?

I really think that having these four jobs sort of dangling in front of my face is what's making this all so bad. It's much worse than having no immediate prospects. Four jobs, I keep hearing from people, "oh, they've called for a reference," or "oh, she loves you," but then nothing happens. For weeks. It's making me insane. And it's making me paralyzed.

I wrote something yesterday about how I hate making people laugh so easily, being seen as so smart, whatever. I have been thinking about that whole thing. I feel like a fraud. Like I'm being all artificially clever and getting cheap admiration or whatever, but at the same time, it's not artificial, in fact it's too easy, and that makes me feel bad, too.

I don't understand any of this. I just feel lousy and I'm going to have to quit therapy, because I can't afford it, and I don't think I will have any health insurance after this month.

Dude. I am just scared.