CRAP

You know, I don't post here when I am feeling good. The past two days I was a basket of fucking kittens and rainbows. The weather was beautiful, I worked out, I felt like a hundred bucks.
Today I am bored and lonely and I'm right back here.
I had an interview for a real, full-time job yesterday, with benefits. It's not as much money as I'm worth, but I'm not really in a position to turn down a real job that could end up being something. It's a good company.
I've already been called back for a meeting with HR on Monday, which, if I let myself think about it, sort of seems like a formality after an hour and a half with the person who is doing the hiring, but I can't let myself think like that, because probably I will meet with HR and then be faced with DEAD FUCKING SILENCE FOR SIX WEEKS. Or something.
I'm sure the woman watched me leave thinking "I am going to hire her", but for all I know she could be an escaped mental patient, or just the very most excited person in the world, all the time, and she gets that jazzed about everyone she meets and then immediately forgets them right after.

Next weekend there is a party, in my hometown, for my grandparents. My mom and her brother seem to be having an odd outbreak of sibling rivalry which manifests as duelling parties, because my mom had a party for them (or maybe it was just for my grandmother, it was unclear) at her house last summer.
But this is a joint party, for their 80th birthdays, which happened last year, held by my uncle at the god knows what, the American Legion or something. Someplace godawful.
And I don't want to go, it's criminally irresponsible for me to go in fact, as I will have to get to Newark, rent a car, and stay in a hotel. It's a 3-1/2 hour trip, no way we can avoid the hotel. I don't want to go. Jason doesn't want to go.
But my cousin, who I love so much, she's driving all the way down from upstate, and she hasn't met J, and I want them to meet, and GOD, my grandparents loved him so much, and of course I want to see them before one day I'm out of chances.
I'm going to have to put the car and hotel on a credit card and then hope to hell I can find a way to pay for it later.
Some way to live. I just feel like I have to go.
I suppose I can go make car and hotel reservations. CRAAAAPPPPP